Harry Potter Buys Life Insurance
by evilrabidplotbunnies
Summary: “Harry, I regret to inform you that you are the final Horcrux of Voldemort. Do you realize what this means?” Harry slowly nodded. “Time to buy life insurance.”


Harry Potter Buys Life Insurance

Note: I'm pleased to say that I have come up with this idea entirely by myself and I rather like it. I'm not sure if anyone's written a story on this yet, but I haven't read any so I decided to run with this and see how it goes.

Warning: this story contains some very brief (basically only one line) mature themes, although in my opinion, there isn't very much content that would require a higher rating – you can find this stuff in a PG-13 rated movie. But, if anyone feels that this story should carry an M rating, let me know and I will be happy to change it.

I have no idea what a life insurance form looks like… so yes, I made up a lot of stuff. Please don't let the content of this story deter you from actually purchasing life insurance.

There are some HBP and DH spoilers... although most people now consider it safe to assume that everybody knows what happens in the end... (Dobby gets turned into a purple unicorn and goes vacationing in Ukraine!)

The first part of this oneshot is written in third person, and the rest is in Harry's point of view. Harry goes clinically insane in the middle of this chapter. For those of you who don't like to see Harry significantly out of character, don't read this. And don't start yelling at me either; it's my story, so I will make Harry as wacky as possible and have fun with it.

Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling owns these characters. I just make them buy life insurance.

* * *

Harry sat in Dumbledore's office silently, eyes fixed upon the Pensieve. Fawkes crooned from behind him, but he paid no mind. 

This was it.

Dumbledore had waited for this day. Waited and dreaded. It was finally here. He could delay it no longer.

"Harry, I regret to inform you that you are the final Horcrux of Voldemort." Dumbledore's eyes glimmered with tears as he anxiously awaited the response of the seventeen-year-old young man sitting before him.

Harry was stunned. "So… I have to die… in order to defeat Voldemort?"

"That would be correct."

Harry leaned back in his chair and looked Dumbledore in the eye. The elder wizard sincerely hoped Harry wouldn't go and do something rash, now that he realized his life would soon come to an end. Harry seemed to be undecided in thought, and opened his mouth to say perhaps the most significant thing to be said when one faces imminent death.

But, no words came.

Dumbledore stirred. "Harry, do you realize what this means?"

Harry nodded.

"Time to buy life insurance."

* * *

What the heck. 

Why are there so many stupid forms.

I thought they were supposed to reduce the amount of paperwork…

Hmm… where to begin…

Ooh, a pink one form. let's start there. Good choice, Harry.

_Name?_ Harry James Potter.

_Occupation?_ Uhh… Student? No, wizard fighting against the evil, nasty, slimy, bald, rhinoplastic Voldemort. Yeah. Nice use of adjectives, Harry.

Oh, joy. A whole list of questions to bubble-in.

_Risk of heart failure in family?_ How the heck am I supposed to know… I'm sure Dudley has a high risk of heart failure... among other things.

_Diabetes?_ Dudley.

_Cancer?_ Dudley.

_Obesity?_ Petunia. No, I'm just kidding. Dudley.

_Visual impairment?_ Yes. I have glasses, along with half the people in world. Okay, probably a lot less. But basically, if you walk around and point a gun at us, half of us are screwed.

Do I smoke? No.

Do I drink? Yes, butterbeer. Whoopee.

Do I drive a vehicle. Yeah, I'd say a broom is a vehicle. Yes.

Oh, and I just love this next question.

_Reasons for purchasing life insurance with us today?_

An evil warlord is trying to take my life. Did I mention that he is a powerful dark wizard?

Yup.

That just about covers it.

Ah, my favorite part.

How much money do I get when I die?

20,000!

Is that in Galleons?

Time to switch life insurance companies.

Hmm, blue form this time. I like blue.

_Name?_ Didn't we already have this conversation before? Okay fine. My name is Mr. Potter. That's P-O-T-T-E-R. Apparently we all run around making pot for a living.

_Occupation?_ Kill Death Eaters. Oh, and something about an Unforgiveable Curse called Avada Kedevra. But don't tell Mrs. Weasley.

_Recent health concerns?_ Is Voldemort a health concern? I'd say so... he is a very highly dangerous… thingy.

_Medications you are on?_ Viagra.

_Contact information?_ Harry Potter, the former Cupboard Under the Stairs that got remodeled after Dudley exceeded the weight limit of the staircase and broke it after watching a Desperate Housewives Marathon while eating two tubs of ice cream per episode, Little Whinging, Surrey (that's in England! I'm in England!).

_Marital Status?_ Widowed. Dobby died last year.

_Longevity in family?_ Absolutely not. Both parents died in their twenties. I'd say my life expectancy is about… eighteen years. Approximately.

_Allergies_? Dudley, Voldemort, Ron's socks, Dudley, weasels, dust, pollen, Mickey Mouse, Dudley, limes, and belly button lint. Oh, and did I mention Dudley?

_History of Mental illness?_ No, I don't think so. Is that right, Harry? Why certainly, Harry! Of course Harry is one hundred percent sane. Whyever would you think otherwise?

Ooh, online forms!

Hmm… this looks easy… "Get a quote now…" Click. No wait, I don't have a computer. Then what am I clicking on?

As I pondered these deep, critical topics, I heard a knock on the door. "Harry Potter is not here at the moment. Please leave a message!" I cried.

"Harry, dear?" Mrs. Weasley poked her head through the door. She had taken up a habit of checking in on me, ever since I found out the news about my imminent death... "I was wondering if you'd like to come down for some pie..."

"SHUT UP, I'M BUYING LIFE INSURANCE!"

* * *

Note: Hope you liked it! Yes, it was very short (I usually write chapters between 2000 and 3000 words). This story is open to revision; I ended it here because my brain died and I ran out of ideas (which is extremely rare for me, as you might tell from my other stories). Please let me know if you have any suggestions for things that you want to see Harry doing, regarding life insurance of course. 

I'm not sure whether to turn this into a multiple-chapter story or not; it all depends on how much time and ideas I have.

Please review and let me know what you think. Also, I highly encourage you to click on my profile page (it's quite funny, if you read down far enough, especially the section on quotes from my stories) and read some of my stories, especially the funny oneshots and (if you have a lot of time on your hands) The Ten Labors of Draco and Hermione (yes, it's a Draco and Hermione romance but if you're looking for something hilarious, this one's worth it – especially once you hit Chapter 19 and after that).

Yeah I know… my author's notes were about the same length as my story. You can snort at me. It's alright.


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